MOM

How to destroy a young woman's life?

It's really not so hard.

Be born to her

She was only 19. I understand that she was good in school. She made it all the way through high school. Maybe was in The National Honor Society.  Unlike my dad who dropped out and joined the navy. 

How these two got together I'll never know. And even though they went on to inexplicably, have another kid 6 years later, it seemed like they had no shared interests. 

She just seemed so tightened up, a non drinker and ready to go to church, while he seemed relatively wild. He was kinda more attractive, with black wavy hair, fit from working out in the past, ("I need to get back to the Y." he said for years.), and kind rough in his navy tattoos.

He looked like Dean Martin, a popular entertainer back then. 

In fact they split in their early 40s, after I was already long gone. My dad later told me that she had a long affair with another married man. She died with that man, John, in a two engine airplane accident. It was not an enormous or challenging trip, they were flying from The Bahamas to Fort Lauderdale.  

She was 45. I had just turned 26.

She would be in her 90s if alive today and likely would be since both her sisters are alive. One is 97. (She told me, at least a decade ago, that I am in her will. I think that is a stupid thing to do to people who don't have much money. Isn't it natural to want and wait? Pretty sure she will outlive me. I really would like to pass this money along to the women I have hurt. She's the "rich" aunt.)

Anyway, back 72 years ago there probably wasn't a lot of abortion going on in Ohio, these two kids got married and I was extruded in the normal way. 

It's probably because I came out A Bad Boy, but the thing is I don't have any feeling of warmth, love, connection, special connection, unconditional love, undying support, or any of these other I-Love-Mommy stuff that I have heard others rattle on endlessly about all my life. 

So this was primary in the set up of my life and caused a lot of problems later.

Personal issues

 Thanks for reading my little blog here.

I’m going to change things up now. I haven’t really been writing reviews anyway. I ended up starting a youtube channel about the books I read.

This is going to drastically change to being very personal.
I think I’m getting ready to die, FINALLY!
It will be a relief. Over the past 2 years I have been a very sad broken hearted man.
It’s not something that has been done TO me. Well, maybe it was just life doing its thing and I was never ever equipped for it.

I just want to set the record straight as much as I can, even though the woman most concerned has not indicated that she wants to hear any longer.

I have been a life long THC addict and that has made things hard for me. Whatever with that, but it has made things hard for the people who were trying to be close to me.
I really regret that and feel all that more now that I am sober, old, and alone.
The THC thing was compelled by a lifelong emotional issues.
I just happened to be a teen with these emotional conditions when pot became  a cool helpful thing. Non-addicting, It was quite addicting to me, always has been.

(Funny think getting off coffee really helped.) 

I just wish I hadn’t trashed my connection with T so finally.
She was the sweetest person to me. I mess here, her touches.
I have been thinking a lot about her apartment of Long Island.
She was so kind to take me in and I should have relaxed into it. There was a lot of positives about that place.
I miss beautiful Saffie the can.
It made me nervous that her dad was like 12 years younger than I am.
I hope he is still around too. He really tried with me.
Ahamed and lonely.

Anyway being sober and on my own I think I understand some things better than I did 2 years ago.

I replay scenes that I would like to go back to and repair.

I would attached a photo of Saffie but it makes me sad to look though the photos of that period.